06 май 2010

WTF Wedding Festivities

I was messing around in Facebook the other day when I stumbled upon My Art Wedding's page. Here is an example of the fabulous work they do:

Yep, life has never been so colourful behind bars. Just don't drop the soap. Oh wait, that's a wedding...My bad.

I consider myself a scholar when it comes to various elements of the wedding festivities. I have produced an extensive body of research on the topic of bride's bouquets (here & here) and their impact on the female state of mind.

Several weeks ago I received an unique chance to test my theories and observations in a natural setting. I had to literally swim with the sharks. For some reason the bride wasn't wearing a garter (No sexy underwear? Where is this marriage going?) so they lumped the single gals and lads for the bouquet's throwing.

How cool was that? I was batting against the heavy majors - real single women desperate to get married, have babies and ruin a guy's life. Once in a lifetime opportunity. It totally went by the book - the approach on the wing, etc.

Can I look any calmer than that? One handed catch executed with my left hand! I even went LeBron James on them with the right hand behind the back thing. That's how you kick ass!

I had some final words for the three hapless ladies that tried to compete against me: "In your face!"

I've never smelled the smell of napalm in the morning, but man, that bouquet really smelled like Victory!

Eye of the tiger, baby!

Prior to unleashing total domination and annihilation at the wedding, I designed a special play to catch the bouquet. I call it the "Superdickery" play and it should be executed only as a measure of last resort in desperate times (yeah, I'm talking to you 45 year old still single lady). So here is how the play goes:

Try to block the throw with both hands, like a volleyball block. Then run for your life.

In the process of catching the bouquet, it occurred to me that there is one instance where the "wing" approach won't work and needs a further and thorough review - the high arch toss.

Usually the bride uses a low arch as the most desperate and eager to get married are always lined up in the front. However, once and a while the bride will apply a high arch, giving the back rows a chance to ruin their lives forever too. This imposes a great risk on the front women, as they might try to jump for the bouquet while wearing high heels (the most common shoe worn at weddings). This might result in severe foot injuries - from the basic sprained ankle to the more severe torn ligaments and shit. And now the chick ends up with no bouquet and a severe limp which further diminishes her chances to land a husband. However, you can always get these bad boys: Gucci Air Jordan High Heels.

2 коментара:

Анонимен каза...

Злостта, която се лее от коментара ти, е само знак, че и ти си една от тези отчаяни госпожици...

Raymond Blitzfucker каза...

Така е. Фактът,че имам пенис и съм доста космат и небръснат директно ме прави аутсайдер сред госпожиците. Добре, че хванах букета и мен да ме огрее брака и да натупуркам малко хейтърчета по този чуден свят.